Everything I Know About Behaving in Church I Learned From Our Kids

How not to behave in church

Thou shalt not......

...Pretend to shoot the pastor with a lego gun.
...Use your middle finger to shoot, no matter how much it resembles a tank with a gun.
...Lick the knees of your jeans,even though it was, as you claim, because something dirty was on them.
...Crawl under the pew.
...Request loudly during preaching to go the bathroom.
...Sigh loudly during a pause in the sermon and ask if church is almost over.
...Yawn loudly during the sermon.
...Sit with legs in the air exposing your bloomers/panties/diaper underneath your dress.
...Use the top of the pew in front of you as a footrest.
...Fight with your siblings over passing the offering plate.
...Protest loudly when your sister passes the offering plate too quickly for you to grab on.
...Bring your offering of coins in the vitamin bottle which you use as a bank.
...Put a Polly Pocket Shoe in the offering plate.
...Chew on your hair.
...Bite the back of the pew in front of you.
...Play a game of pulling strands of your sister's hair.
...Use the hymnal as a gun.
...Worm-crawl down along the pew.
...Bring toys that roll, such as a small rubber ball. When dropped these make their way under all the pews  up to the front.
...Pick scabs.
...Remove your shoes.
...Use your shoelaces as guns.
...Shoot the choir members with pretend guns.
...Pop ant bites.
...Tickle your sister.
...Tuck your knees inside your tee shirt.
...Hide you head in your tee shirt.
...Completely disappear by doing the 2 items above, and pulling your arms in your tee shirt.
...Put your fingers in your ears during the choir special.
...Fix a wedgie while on stage.
...Adjust the front of your underwear using your hands in your pockets while on stage.
...Go to church with nothing between you and your pants.
...Wear your brother's colorful super-hero underwear under your dress instead of your own panties.
...Pick your nose during the baby/children dedication service of which you are a part, at the very front of the church.
...Use your shoe as a gun.
...Pretend to shoot people behind you with a gun.
...Point at people in the choir.
...Spit on your fingers and rub it on your arms.

Avoid these things and you shall be a perfect little angel in church...and die of boredom before the age of 8.

Note---For those wondering, yes, our children have done all of these things. About 5 or 6 of them just in tonight's service.